King Arthur: Argh

EXT. DAY – a grassy field under a cloud-choked English sky (as if there’s any other kind).
 
LANCELOT’S DAD
If you’re a really good knight, maybe
someday you’ll be reincarnated as
a horse.
 
ROMANS
Come on, kids. If you’re lucky, you
can come home in 15 years.
 
LITTLE GIRL
Here Lancelot, take this pendant, which
has absolutely no significance during the
rest of this film.
 
LANCELOT
Uh, thanks. This will come in handy when
I hock it for some ale or something.
 
ENTIRE VILLAGE
We’ll see you off with a great big
roaring match, because we’re a mystical
ancient European tribe, and we do
stuff like that. Argh.
 
LANCELOT
I’m so glad I’m leaving.
 
The next fifteen years are condensed into a few seconds of narration. This makes character development necessary in a short amount of time.
 
LANCELOT
I’m now studly and goateed, and I
fight with two swords.
 
GALAHAD
I am also black-haired and goateed,
but I’m not Lancelot’s son—that was
a myth perpetuated by those crazy writers
in the middle ages. This film is much
more accurate.
 
HISTORY BUFFS IN AUDIENCE
Cough! Cough!
 
GAWAIN
There is practically nothing remarkable
about me, but I have some amusing lines
and I’m also Uncle Owen in the Star Wars
prequels.
 
BORS
I number my children, because it
takes too much brainpower to name
each one.
 
DAGONET
I fight with an axe, and I’m a really
nice guy.
 
TRISTAN
I have a wicked sword and I’m a better
archer than Legolas. Look at my pet hawk!
 
ARTHUR
By the end of this film, the audience
knows nothing about me, except that I’m
half-Roman. Now let’s fight some crazy
blue Woads, led by Merlin.
 
WOADS
Blue man group!
 
There’s a BATTLE. The Knights WIN.
 
MERLIN
(disappearing into foggy forest)
Here’s looking at you, Arthur.
 
The Knights escort some random caravan of Romans to a fort somewhere.
 
LANCELOT
So, what are you gonna do when you’re
free?
 
BORS
Drink beer. Get married. What about you,Galahad?
 
GALAHAD
Drink beer. Get married. Dagonet?
 
DAGONET
I dunno, it’s a great big world out there. But
I think I’ll probably drink beer and get
married.
 
ARTHUR
I’m gonna go to Rome. This is very
important to me, for a reason that never
gets satisfactorily explained. I guess I’ve
just always wanted to go.
 
They arrive at the fort, and sit around the ROUND TABLE.
 
BISHOP GERMANIUS
Great job, Arturius. I’m gonna let you
and your knights go free… after you
finish this last, incredibly dangerous
mission.
 
ARTHUR
No way!
 
GERMANIUS
There’s a helpless Roman boy involved.
 
ARTHUR
Heyyyy, I’m a sucker for those.
 
Meanwhile, some SAXONS are plotting stuff.
 
SAXON LEADER
I have a blatantly Texan accent.
 
SAXON LEADER’S SON
I have a crazy goatee.
 
MISCELLANEOUS BRITON SPY PERSON
I’m a dead ringer for Noel Gallagher.
 
WOMAN
You saved my life! Thank you!
 
SAXON LEADER
Kill her.
 
Outside an inn, the Knights are celebrating.
 
KNIGHTS
We’re going home!
 
ARTHUR
You’re not going home.
 
KNIGHTS
Well, bugger. We’ll argue about this
for a while, but then Gawain’s loyalty
and Tristan’s defeatism will convince
us and we’ll go with you anyway.
 
In a STABLE:
 
ARTHUR
Please, God, let me die instead of my
Knights.
 
LANCELOT
I’m going to yell at you for no reason!
What was this conversation about, again?
 
ARTHUR
So… you’re coming, right?
 
LANCELOT
Sure, whatever. Just make sure that if I
die, you burn my corpse instead of
burying it.
 
Cue FORESHADOWING MUSIC.
 
Later: The Knights are traveling through a forest.
 
WOADS
We’ll spring an incredibly elaborate
trap, and then let you all go, as part of
the Roman knight catch-and-release
program.
 
The Knights reach the Roman villa without further incident.
 
ROMAN GUY
We’re not leaving.
 
ARTHUR
The Saxons will take over your home.
 
ROMAN GUY
The Romans will send an army.
 
ARTHUR
Yeah, that’s us.
 
ROMAN GUY
Crap.
 
ENSLAVED VILLAGERS
Our village elder is being flogged
for no reason. We don’t have enough
food. They’re secretly torturing people
in that little room over there.
 
ARTHUR
This is totally against everything Rome
represents! Pack your stuff and follow
us.
 
ROMAN GUARDS
Hey, you can’t go in that room. There’s
two of us.
 
KNIGHTS
There’s six of us.
 
GUARDS
Crap.
 
LITTLE BOY
I’m being kept in a deep pit, even though
I’m far too young to have committed
anything remotely like a crime.
 
DAGONY
There, I’ve rescued you. Don’t fear me,
even though I’m huge and scary and I
have an axe.
 
LITTLE BOY
Whatever.
 
GUINEVERE
I’m not a princess, or any kind of royalty;
I’m just a random British chick huddling
in a cell.
 
LANCELOT
Hel-lo. I’m going to obsess over you, and
nothing will ever come of it.
 
ARTHUR
Okay, we can go now.
 
They travel as it snows.
 
ARTHUR
Your fingers are dislocated, Guinevere. I’ll
pop them back into place and you can
demonstrate your extraordinarily high
tolerance for pain. We’ll have to figure out
what to do about your malnourished appearance.
 
GUINEVERE
Don’t be silly. I always look like this.
 
At nightfall, they set up camp.
 
ROMAN GUY and GUARDS
Plot, plot, plot.
 
GUINEVERE
Bathe, bathe, bathe.
 
LANCELOT
Thank God for transparent curtains.
 
While everyone’s asleep:
 
GUINEVERE
Man, I’m glad I borrowed these clothes from
that Roman guy’s wife. Now I can look all
mystical as I lure Arthur away from the camp.
 
ARTHUR
This smacks of a trap, but like every other
male in the world, I would follow Kiera Knightley
into a vat of acid.
 
MERLIN
Hi there. I want you to fight for the Woads.
 
ARTHUR
But I’m Roman.
 
GUINEVERE
But you’re half-Woad.
 
ARTHUR
Your logic is airtight. By the way, Merlin, why
aren’t you a wizard in this film?
 
MERLIN
Because this is historically accurate, remember?
 
ARTHUR
Oh, right. I keep forgetting.
 
In the morning:
 
GUARDS
Time for an uprising!
 
GUINEVERE
Eat arrow, filthy Romans.
 
GUARDS
Crap.
 
TRISTAN
The Saxons have armor-piercing crossbows.
 
ARTHUR
Tristan, I think you should ride ahead of us.
 
Somewhere else:
 
SAXON LEADER
Son, it’s time for you to take your infantry
and hunt those suckers down. They won’t be
able to withstand two-hundred smelly, hairy
guys with crossbows.
 
On a frozen lake:
 
ARTHUR
Okay, this ice is only a few inches thick, and
it makes disturbing noises whenever our horses
walk on it. I think we should all cross at once.
 
ICE
Snap, crackle, pop.
 
SAXON DRUMS
Doom, doom, doom.
 
VILLAGERS
Scurry, scurry, scurry.
 
ARTHUR
Okay, we’ll never be able to outrun them.
We’ll just have to fight them back. On a
frozen lake. This is gonna be so cool!
 
GUINEVERE
I’m going to help, because I’m a strong
female character. Can I borrow a bow?
 
LANCELOT
You’d best be careful. That army hasn’t
seen a woman in months.
 
GUINEVERE
My response to that outrageous comment
is the best line in this film.
 
ADVANCING SAXONS
Ha, they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—
argh!
 
There’s another BATTLE. It’s the COOLEST part of the film.
 
DAGONET
I can’t take all this waiting; I have to bash
something right now!
 
He begins to chop at the ice with his axe.
 
ICE
(shatters)
Argh!
 
DAGONET
Haha, it worked! Uh… crap.
 
BORS
Nooooooooooo!
 
ARTHUR
Run away! Run away!
 
They finally arrive back at the fort.
 
GERMANIUS
Woohoo, you made it! Here’s your papers
of safe passage throughout the Roman empire,
not that it really matters, because the Roman
empire will fall in a matter of years anyway.
Why the long face, guys?
 
ARTHUR
Our friend died on your stupid mission.
 
GERMANIUS
Oh. Well, I’m sure he’s in a better place.
Unless, of course, he was a pagan. By the
way, the Saxons are advancing, and we’re
going to abandon this fort and let them take
over Britain.
 
ARTHUR
I guess I’ll stay and defend it all by myself,
then.
 
TRISTAN
I’m setting my hawk free now, because I’m
such a nice guy. Can I have that box?
 
That night:
 
GUINEVERE
Women in the middle ages always did stuff
like this the night before battle. See how
historically accurate we are?
 
The next day:
 
KNIGHTS
Nobody really believes that we’re gonna leave
Arthur by himself against an army of thousands.
But we’re gonna start riding off anyway, just
to make it look convincing. Let’s give a goodbye
roar. Argh.
 
ARTHUR
I’m riding a rhino-horse. Argh.
 
SAXON LEADER
I smell so bad that I’m freaking Arthur’s horse out.
Let’s discuss surrender, shall we?
 
ARTHUR
Bugger off. My face will be the last thing you see
on this earth.
 
Cue FORESHADOWING MUSIC.
 
SAXON LEADER
I respect your courage and rudeness. See you
when you’re dead.
 
KNIGHTS
Aaaaaand we’re back! We’ve all got rhino-horses,
too!
 
Tristan fires an ARROW for no apparent reason, and it hits...
 
MISCELLANEOUS BRITON SPY PERSON 
But how did he see me in the tr--
(dies)
 
WOADS
Blue man group!
 
GUINEVERE and RED-HEADED CHICKS in REALLY TIGHT OUTFITS
Ahem.
 
WOADS
Oh, right. Blue person group!
 
ADVANCING SAXON INFANTRY
Man, it’s really smoky in here. What’s that sound?
 
ARROWS
Woosh!
 
SAXONS
(die)
 
There’s another BATTLE. It’s NOT NEARLY as cool as the one on the icy lake.
 
GUINEVERE
In spite of all my post-feminist strength and courage,
I am unable to defend myself against a creepy bald
guy with a crazy goatee.
 
LANCELOT
Damsel in distress!
 
TRISTAN
I’m going to unwisely challenge the head villain, and
display my amazing sword-wielding skills before he
kills me. Hey, there’s my hawk. Argh!
(dies)
 
ARTHUR
This gives me a reason to kill the head villain, as if
I really needed one.
 
LANCELOT
Argh!
(dies, but not before throwing his sword into goateed man)
 
SAXON LEADER’S SON
Argh!
(dies)
 
SAXON LEADER
Hey, whaddya know? Your face really is the last thing
I’ll see on this earth! Argh!
(dies)
 
The battle miraculously STOPS.
 
ARTHUR
We had a deal, God! … My internal conflict over
this matter is very short lived. Let’s have a mass
funeral!
 
They do.
 
ARTHUR
Now let’s have a wedding!
 
MERLIN
There is absolutely no indication that ancient Woad
tribes had kings and queens, but we’re going to
crown you anyway, symbolically uniting Romans
and Woads forever.
 
ARCHERS WITH FLAMING ARROWS
Now we’ll attack the ocean!
 
KNIGHTS and WOADS
Group cheer. Argh!
 
ARTHUR
Haha, I rule the British empire. Except that’s only
a few dozen square miles right now. Argh!
 
GUINEVERE
I’m a strong, post-feminist female character, so I’m
holding up Excalibur, too! Argh!
 
DEAD KNIGHTS REINCARNATED AS HORSES
Argh!
 
AUDIENCE
Argh!
 
THE END