Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith: With a Whimper
Once again, George Lucas revitalizes the movie parody industry by releasing another Star Wars film. A clumsily-edited, explosion-ridden affair populated by wooden characters who seem capable of speaking only in clichés, Episode III managed to be marginally better than its two prequel predecessors, but not nearly good enough to escape the wrath of WWWTMP.
EXT. SPACE – A great big space battle is raging over Coruscant. Two Jedi starfighters weave in and out of the fray.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
The ship where Chancellor Palpatine is conveniently being held captive by General Grievous is straight ahead.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Oh good, it’s the one covered in funny-looking droids who giggle in a way that is neither ominous nor particularly threatening.
The droids attack, giggling maniacally as they maliciously fog Obi-Wan’s windshield.
R2-D2
(shoots sparks at droids until they fall off)
The Jedi land at last in the docking bay, and do very impressive things to the battle droids inside.
ANAKIN
The Chancellor is being held at the top of an observation tower.
OBI-WAN
Let’s take the elevator.
First, they fight through dozens of droids. It’s PRETTY COOL.
ELEVATOR
(stops)
ANAKIN
Screw this. I’m climbing.
ELEVATOR
(starts again, going down)
OBI-WAN
R2? That way.
ELEVATOR
(switches direction, destroying battle droids that were ineffectually threatening Anakin)
At last, the Jedi reach the observation tower.
CHANCELLOR PALPATINE
This scene looks rather familiar. Except that, in Return of the Jedi, I wasn’t handcuffed to my chair. Still, you get the idea.
DOOKU
My role in this film will be all too brief, but I get a pretty awesome death scene.
OBI-WAN
Don’t worry, Chancellor, we’ll take care of him. This is where I mispronounce the word “specialty”.
DOOKU
I’ve discovered the secret to defeating Obi-Wan Kenobi in a mismatched battle. He falls for the old “Force push into unconsciousness” trick every time.
OBI-WAN
(falls for it)
ANAKIN
Aww, hell no.
DOOKU
You should use your fear, anger, and hate to win this battle.
ANAKIN
Umm, okay.
Anakin cuts off Dooku’s hands, takes his lightsaber, and holds both laser swords at the ready, scissors-style, at Dooku’s neck.
PALPATINE
(holds one hand out with his thumb pointing sidewise; then turns his thumb down)
ANAKIN
But I shouldn’t…
PALPATINE
Oh, come on. Be a sport.
ANAKIN
(shrug)
Okay.
He beheads Dooku.
PALPATINE
Great job! Now leave your master behind, and lets get off this ship.
ANAKIN
I have enough loyalty and vestigial morality left in me to know that’s wrong. I’ll just give Obi-Wan a piggyback ride.
PALPATINE
Fine, have it your way.
They run through a ship that keeps TURNING SIDEWAYS a lot. Eventually, they’re trapped by droids and taken to General Grievous.
GRIEVOUS
(coughing inexplicably)
Anakin Skywalker, I expected you to be older.
ANAKIN
General Grievous, I expected you to be taller.
OBI-WAN
Well, now that we’ve established that you hate each other, let’s negotiate our release.
GRIEVOUS
Nah. Let’s just fight.
OBI-WAN
Suit yourself. At least I’ll manage to remain conscious this time.
They fight more droids. Somehow, General Grievous manages to break the ship’s main viewscreen and throw himself into space, where he grapple-hooks the side of the ship. He gets to an escape pod and launches it, along with all the ship’s other escape pods. Meanwhile, the ship is entering Coruscant’s atmosphere.
ANAKIN
Never fear. I can fly anything. Even though whether or not this ship can still fly is kind of a moot point right now.
Some Coruscant FIRETRUCKS put out the flames as the ship lands.
OBI-WAN
Another happy landing. My accent when I say that line is indeterminate. My accent throughout most of this movie is indeterminate. I sound as though I’m trying to impersonate Alec Guiness while holding my nose shut and being Scottish.
MACE WINDU
Insert meaningless filler lines here.
PALPATINE
Insert appropriate responses to filler lines here. See how cordial we are now? Later, will be trying to kill each other.
BAIL ORGANA
I’m onscreen for about three minutes altogether, even though it might be important to establish some kind of personality or back-story for the person who raises Darth Vader’s daughter.
PADME
This is one of two times during the course of this film that I actually leave my apartment. Anakin, I’m pregnant!
ANAKIN
I’m showing as much joy and surprise as possible, considering that I’m made of wood.
PADME
We’re trying to keep our marriage secret, so let’s embrace passionately in this public place. What are we gonna do?
ANAKIN
Everything will be just fine.
Later, they stand on Padme’s balcony.
ANAKIN
Oh… you… look… so… beautiful… tonight…
PADME
It’s only because I’m so in love.
ANAKIN
No, it’s because we’re incapable of showing any emotions besides mild infatuation.
Cue DREAM SCENE: The camera lens is covered in Vaseline, and there are strange red and blue light flares that lend themselves to viewing through 3D glasses.
PADME
Help me—I’m ambiguously dying!
ANAKIN
(awakens in a cold sweat)
Well, I can sense this will only end with me killing a bunch of people again.
PADME
Just because your mom died after a creepy prophetic dream doesn’t mean I’m going to too. Does it?
ANAKIN
(stoic silence)
PADME
Crap.
Anakin goes to Yoda for therapy.
YODA
If love something you do, let it go you must. Already incapable are you of showing emotion, so a loved one’s death trouble you should not.
ANAKIN
Help me, that does not. I mean, uh, thanks, Master Yoda.
OBI-WAN
The Chancellor is going to get more executive powers when the Senate votes.
ANAKIN
Great!
OBI-WAN
(lizard eye)
Watch out. The wrinkly guy gives me the creeps.
In Chancellor Palpatine’s OFFICE:
PALPATINE
I’m gonna control the Jedi Council.
ANAKIN
Hmm. I see nothing wrong with that.
PALPATINE
And that’s why I want you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council.
ANAKIN
Woohoo!
In the Jedi COUNCIL CHAMBERS:
MACE
Have a seat. You’re not gonna be a Master.
ANAKIN
What?! This is ridiculous! This has never happened before! Not in the entire history of the Jedi Order! Ever!
STAR WARS PURISTS IN AUDIENCE
Except for Ki Adi Mundi, who was elected to the Council but not made a Master.
OBI-WAN
(after they leave the Council chamber)
You should feel privileged. The Council wants you to spy on your new buddy.
ANAKIN
I’m so conflicted! Could it be that the Jedi Council is not all it’s cracked up to be?
On a Jedi Gunship:
MACE
I have a bad feeling about this.
OBI-WAN
Seriously, it’s cool.
YODA
Sort this out on your own, you must. Vacationing on Kashyyyk, I am.
In Padme’s apartment:
PADME
I’m practicing to be a housewife by spending all my time in my apartment, moping about while I wait for Anakin to come home.
ANAKIN
Honey, I’m home!
PADME
Thank heaven! I was so worried! This war is wrong. Democracy is fading away. The Republic isn’t what it used to be.
ANAKIN
Have you been reading Separatist pamphlets?
PADME
No, but I am kind of starting a rebellion behind your back. Honey, what’s wrong?
ANAKIN
Nothing.
PADME
Come on. Our relationship has so little foundation that any lapse in communication will be the end of us. Just hold me, and we’ll reminisce about the last prequel.
In an OPERA HOUSE, some squid things are swimming around in giant suspended blobs of water.
PALPATINE
I am the Phantom Menace of the Opera.
ANAKIN
You wanted to see me?
PALPATINE
Yes. We found Grievous, and I know the Council wants you to spy on me.
ANAKIN
Uh…
PALPATINE
The Light Side of the Force can’t teach you how to raise someone from the dead.
ANAKIN
I don’t find it at all suspicious that you knew exactly how to get my attention. I’m fascinated by the prospect of restoring Padme to life rather than preventing her from dying in the first place.
On Kashyyyk:
YODA
A pointless cameo, Chewbacca has. Too bad it is that Han Solo is only four or five years old right now.
HOLOGRAMS OF THE JEDI COUNCIL
Let’s send Obi-Wan to get Grievous.
ANAKIN
But I wanted to go! I wanted to go! Obi-Wan didn’t get Grievous last time!
OBI-WAN
(lizard eye)
ANAKIN
I’m just sayin’!
COUNCIL
Sorry, we voted. Obi-Wan gets to go.
ANAKIN
This sucks.
Meanwhile, the battle on Kashyyyk begins. Wookies fight droids. Stuff explodes. It’s A LOT COOLER than the battle on Endor.
On Coruscant:
ANAKIN
I’m really sorry I haven’t appreciated your training enough, Obi-Wan. I’m glad we’re friends.
OBI-WAN
Me too. You’re a better Jedi than I can ever be. May the Force be with you. Don’t, you know, do anything stupid.
ANAKIN
Haha! Yeah, right.
On a Republic Battle Cruiser:
CLONE CAPTAIN
Be careful down there, buddy. In half an hour I’ll be ordering my troops to fire on you.
OBI-WAN
Hahaha. You too, big guy.
Cue ANOTHER FREAKY DREAM SEQUENCE: This time Obi-Wan is there, too.
OBI-WAN
I’m ambiguously trying to help you!
In Padme’s apartment:
ANAKIN
I’m still vaguely suspicious of where your loyalties lie. Meanwhile, I’m not the Jedi I should be.
PADME
Were you ever? I mean, oh, honey, don’t fret.
ANAKIN
I’m going to save you.
PADME
Whatever.
On Utapau:
LOCAL ADMINISTRATOR
General Grievous is holding us all hostage. He’s on that balcony up there, but I’m sure he can’t hear us or anything. There are loads of battle droids on the tenth level.
OBI-WAN
Great. I’ll send my droid to get reinforcements, and unwisely start the battle before they get here.
He hides in a hallway as his ship leaves. In need of transportation, he finds some convenient lizards.
BOGA THE LIZARD
(bizarre lizard noises)
They make it to some convenient walkways above a control center, where General Grievous tells Nute Gunray, who is somehow not dead yet, and several other Separatists to go to Mustafar.
GRIEVOUS
Mustafar is a volcanic planet.
STAR WARS NERDS
Yessssss!
Obi-Wan leaps to the floor behind Grievous.
OBI-WAN
Let’s fight!
GRIEVOUS
Okay.
He reveals four arms, each of which wields a lightsaber.
GRIEVOUS
Cuisinart of death! You’re doomed.
OBI-WAN
How many times will I say “I don’t think so” in the course of this saga? Apparently at least once more.
CLONE TROOPERS
(arrive and start shooting)
GRIEVOUS
(climbs into droid hamster wheel and spins away)
OBI-WAN
(climbs onto Boga and follows, somehow making a parrot-lizard run as fast as a motorized wheel)
On Coruscant:
PALPATINE
The Jedi are keeping things from you. I can help.
ANAKIN
It takes me way too long to figure out that you’re a Sith Lord.
PALPATINE
You can’t turn me over to the Jedi Council, because you don’t know whose side they’re on.
ANAKIN
Your logic is airtight. Umm, I’ll be back later with a Jedi Master or four.
On Utapau:
Grievous and Obi-Wan fight again. It’s SLIGHTLY LESS COOL. Finally, Obi-Wan shoots Grievous.
OBI-WAN
This foreshadows my dislike of blasters. Meh.
On Coruscant:
MACE WINDU
I’ll take care of Palpatine. You sit tight, kid.
ANAKIN
This sucks.
Anakin goes to the Council chamber and stares longingly in the general direction of Padme’s apartment. She stares longing in the general direction of the Jedi Temple. This goes on for far too long.
ANAKIN
Screw it. I’m going.
He jumps in a funny looking speeder and heads for the Chancellor’s office.
In the Chancellor’s office:
MACE
At least I didn’t say “This party’s over.”
PALPATINE
(slipping an awesome black lightsaber hilt from his sleeve into his hand)
Let’s rock.
He JUMPS AND SPINS out of his chair and attacks the Jedi.
RED SHIRTED ENSIGN JEDI #1
(dies almost immediately)
RED SHIRTED ENSIGN JEDI #2
(dies almost immediately afterward)
OTHER JEDI BESIDES MACE
(fight slightly longer before also dying)
MACE
(breaks the big picture window, which sounds exactly like glass, even though it’s supposed to be transparisteel)
PALPATINE
(loses his lightsaber)
MACE
I said, you’re under arrest.
ANAKIN
(entering)
What the f—
PALPATINE
(cowering)
Don’t let him kill me! Gollum, gollum!
Anakin
Uh…
MACE
I’m getting rid of this loser once and for all!
ANAKIN
No! That’s not the Jedi way! I don’t know why exactly I suddenly care about that!
MACE
Screw the Jedi way! I’m Samuel L. Jackson.
PALPATINE
Thanks for distracting him, Anakin.
He shoots LIGHTNING at Mace. Mace’s lightsaber deflects it back on PALPATINE.
PALPATINE
(growing deformed)
Oh, crap. Come on, Anakin, help me out!
MACE
Don’t do it!
PALPATINE
Do it!
MACE
Don’t do it!
PALPATINE
Don’t do it!
MACE
Do it! Uh, I mean…
Anakin cuts off his hand. Palpatine shoots lightning at him.
MACE
Aarrrrrrrrrrggghhhhh!
(falls out window and dies)
AUDIENCE
Coolest. Jedi death. Ever.
PALPATINE
Great job, Anakin. Now be my apprentice and destroy the Jedi.
ANAKIN
My inner conflict is extremely short-lived. (shrug) Okay.
PALPATINE
Hmm… Vader is a pretty cool name. I think I’ll call you that.
ANAKIN
Sweet, I sound so badass!
Meanwhile, on Kashyyyk:
YODA
So in tune with the Force am I, sense a whiny farm boy turning to the Dark Side I can.
On Utapau:
CLONE COMMANDER
Here’s your lightsaber.
OBI-WAN
Hey, thanks!
DARTH SIDIOUS HOLOGRAM
Execute Order 66. We left off the other 6, because, you know, that’d be pretty blatant.
CLONE COMMANDER
Yes sir! (to troops) Kill that Jedi, and his big lizard, too!
The clones use ridiculous ballistic weapons and send Obi-Wan and Boga falling into a lake.
On various PLANETS, all over the GALAXY: Clones are killing Jedi. It’s very sad and depressing, but come on, you all knew it was coming.
On Kashyyyk:
YODA
Even my pain at the deaths of my comrades, prevent me from killing my would-be murderers, can not.
CLONES
(die)
CHEWBACCA
(unintelligible warble)
YODA
When eight-hundred-seventy years old you reach, jump as high you will not.
In the Jedi Temple:
Anakin is systematically killing everyone. He walks into a room full of young beings, who are apparently constantly referred to as younglings rather than children.
YOUNGLING
Master Skywalker, what are we going to do?
ANAKIN
At least they didn’t have me say anything cheesy at this part.
BAIL ORGANA
I am inexplicably visiting the Jedi Temple. What’s going on here?
CLONE TROOPERS
Get lost.
BAIL
(shrug)
Okay.
TEN-YEAR-OLD JEDI
(kicks clonetrooper ass, then dies)
On Utapau:
OBI-WAN
I’m glad we established in the first prequel that Jedi have special apparatuses for breathing underwater.
On Kashyyyk:
YODA
See each other again, Chewbacca, we will not. Pointless but amusing, your cameo was. Later.
He climbs into a tiny ship, inexplicably embedded into a hillside, and takes off.
On Coruscant:
BAIL
Let’s start a Jedi rescue mission. Hey, we just found two!
They retrieve Yoda and Obi-Wan, proving that the time factor in space travel truly means absolutely nothing in the Star Wars universe.
At Padme’s apartment:
ANAKIN
The Jedi turned against the Chancellor. I’m not quite telling you outright that I just committed terrible atrocities, though it shouldn’t be that hard to figure out. I’ll come back for you after I commit other terrible atrocities on Mustafar.
On Mustafar:
DARTH SIDIOUS HOLOGRAM
Good job, separatists. When my apprentice arrives, he will “take care of you.” If you know what I mean. Heh heh. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
NUTE GUNRAY
Whew. I’m glad everything’s going to work out.
Anakin arrives less than two minutes later. He wipes the floor with the Separatists.
On Coruscant, in the Senate:
PALPATINE
I look all nasty now, but it’s okay to fear me, because I’m turning the Republic into an Empire!
SENATE
Yay, we lost all our power!
PADME
So this is the way the Senate ends, not with a bang but a whimper. I mean…
BAIL
We get it.
In the Jedi Temple:
OBI-WAN
(altering the Jedi Temple’s giant computer)
There, I shut down the code calling all Jedi back to Coruscant.
COMPUTER
Daaaaaaiiisyyyyy, daiiiiissyyyyyyy…
OBI-WAN
Before we go, I want to watch some footage of my Padawan turning evil.
YODA
A bad idea, this is.
OBI-WAN
I can’t watch any more.
AUDIENCE
Me neither.
On Mustafar:
ANAKIN
Take that, Separatists. Fear my yellow contact lenses.
On Coruscant:
YODA
Kill Anakin, you must.
OBI-WAN
But…
YODA
Fight the Emperor, you cannot.
OBI-WAN
But…
YODA
Stop arguing, you will. See you later.
At Padme’s apartment:
OBI-WAN
Nice robe.
PADME
Thanks. It’s made of disintegrated towels.
OBI-WAN
So, I was hoping you could tell me where your murdering husband is.
PADME
Uh, no, no, not really. No.
OBI-WAN
You could save lives by telling me.
PADME
Nope.
OBI-WAN
Fine, I’ll just hide out on your ship. Sorry about your pregnancy. See you on Mustafar.
On Mustafar:
SIDIOUS HOLOGRAM
Great job, Vader. Way to return peace and justice to the galaxy.
ANAKIN
Hey, thanks! Gotta go; Padme’s here.
He runs to her ship.
PADME
Anakin, I heard you killed some people, so I put on my science fiction equivalent of a Catholic schoolgirl outfit and came to find out if you did.
ANAKIN
Yes, but only so I could save you!
OBI-WAN
Uh, hi.
ANAKIN
You ho!
PADME
I’m finally showing emotion, and I’m terrified of you!
ANAKIN
And with good cause! Now I’ll choke you! But it’s only because I love you so, so much!
OBI-WAN
Let her go!
PADME
(falls down, unconscious)
OBI-WAN
Before we duel, let’s walk in circles, all manly-like. I’ll check for Padme’s pulse by touching her ear.
ANAKIN
If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy. That’s not meant to be a metaphor for anything.
OBI-WAN
Obviously you’ve forgotten all the vaguely Eastern ideals and philosophies of the Jedi Order, which believes that there are no absolutes, even though the Light Side and the Dark Side are considered two distinct and separate entities.
They duel. It starts out boring, then gets COOL.
On Coruscant:
YODA
(entering Palpatine’s office)
Too long will our conversation last before begin fighting, we will.
PALPATINE
Zap!
YODA
Dead I will play until close enough you are to stab.
PALPATINE
Let’s go, wrinkly.
YODA
In a mirror, you should look.
They fight in the Senate Chamber. It’s SO COOL.
On Mustafar:
Anakin and Obi-Wan jump onto an UNSTABLE TOWER FLOATING IN LAVA.
AUDIENCE
(trembles in anticipation)
ANAKIN
(does not fall off)
AUDIENCE
(disappointed sigh)
On Coruscant, Bail Organa retrieves Yoda.
YODA
Done with this crap, I am. Someplace nice and swampy, take me.
On Mustafar, Obi-Wan jumps onto the shore.
ANAKIN
You always did take the moral high ground.
He jumps and starts to attack again, but Obi-Wan chops off his legs.
ANAKIN
Aww, crap. I hate you.
OBI-WAN
I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. I mean, uh, Jedi and stuff.
ANAKIN
(catches fire)
AUDIENCE
Yesssssss!
On secret ASTEROID HIDEOUT:
YODA
Learned have I the secret of becoming one with the Force eternally. Cooler than I thought, Qui-Gon is.
OBI-WAN
Hey, that might come in handy someday!
MEDICAL DROID
So, we don’t know why, but Padme’s dying.
GEORGE LUCAS
Of a broken heart, get it?
PADME
Luke… Leia. Obi-Wan, there’s still good in Anakin.
OBI-WAN
Uh, yeah, sure there is.
PADME
(dies)
On Coruscant, in Imperial REHAB CENTER:
DARTH VADER
(ominous breathing)
Is Padme all right?
SIDIOUS
No, not exactly. Convenient, isn’t it?
VADER
(destroying equipment and droids; raising hands defiantly)
Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
AUDIENCE
Overreact much?
On Alderaani cruiser:
YODA
Kept safe, the children must be.
BAIL
My wife and I have always wanted to adopt a girl. How convenient that Leia’s mom is dead and her dad’s a Sith Lord. I’ll call ahead and see if the wife wants me to pick up anything else on the way home.
OBI-WAN
I can’t think of anyone more interesting, so I’ll take Luke to Anakin’s half-brother.
On Alderaan:
Bail Organa joins his wife on a balcony and hands Leia to her.
On Tatooine:
Obi-Wan delivers Luke to Beru and Owen. They stand and gaze out at the sunset.
GEORGE LUCAS
Just like in Episode IV, get it? Get it
THE END
