Spider-Man 2: Runaway Plot!

OPENING CREDITS: A highly-stylized montage of scenes from the first movie (in case you missed it) fed through a Photoshop “Colored Pencil” filter.

MR. AZIZ
If you can’t deliver these pizzas in seven
and a half minutes, you’re fired.

SPIDER-MAN delivers pizzas, but he’s still late.

MR. AZIZ
You’re fired.

MR. JAMESON
If you don’t give me my front page photo so
I can continue to bash Spider-Man, you’re fired.

SECRETARY
Sorry, you still don’t have any money.

PROFESSOR
I’m going to fail you.

LANDLORD
Rent!

LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER
I love you!

PETER
My life sucks.

AFTER THIRTY MINUTES: Something happens!

DR. OCTAVIUS
You’re smart but lazy. Love should never be
a secret. Intelligence must be used for the good
of mankind. I’m giving you life lessons now, but
in an hour I’ll make your life a living hell.

ROSIE
Have some tea.

IN A BIG, METAL-COATED WATERFRONT LOFT/LAB PLACE: Rich people stand around.

RICH GUY
Harry, this achievement is something your father
could only dream of.

HARRY
Your approval makes me deliriously happy. Let’s
talk some more about how much better than my
father I am.

OCTAVIUS
Tridium is extremely rare, even more than plutonium
and beryllium. These highly intelligent mechanical
arms will fuse themselves with my spine, but this
extremely fragile chip keeps them under my control.
Now my beloved wife will turn on this big fusion
reactor.

ROSIE flips the switch.

REACTOR
(hums)

TRIDIUM
(sparkles)

ARMS
Our… Preciousss…

ARTIFICIAL SUN
(exploding)
In a champagne supernova in the sky…

INHIBITOR CHIP
(fries)

SCIENTISTS
Oh no, none of us bothered to consider that the sun,
whether real or artificial, creates enormous electro-
magnetic forces. Runaway sun!

GLASS
(shatters)

ROSIE
(dies)

LATER, in an operating room:

SURGEON
Anyone take shop class?

DOCTORS
Chuckle, chuckle… umm, no.

ARMS
I can’t let you do that, Dave…

DOCTORS
(die)

OCTAVIUS
What have I done?

AT COLLAPSED LAB:

OCK
Rosie’s dead. And these hideous things—

ARMS
Hey!

OCK
Sorry.

ARMS
You can rebuild the machine, you know.

OCK
But I don’t have the money!

ARMS
Rob a bank.

OCK
I may have murdered dozens of innocent
people in the past twenty-four hours, but I’m
not a criminal!

ARMS
But we needs it, Preciousss…

OCK
Oh, fine.

AT THE BANK:

AUNT MAY
I’m a poor old lady, and I’m losing my house.

BANKER
You don’t have enough money to keep your
house.

AUNT MAY
Can I have this toaster?

BANKER
No.

PETER
(shove)

A VAULT DOOR falls directly where AUNT MAY was sitting moments ago. PETER runs away to change into his spandex suit.

AUNT MAY
(gets kidnapped)

SPIDER-MAN
I’ll just make a giant human slingshot and fly
to Aunt May’s rescue!

AUNT MAY
I am an old lady, therefore I’ll hit this supervillain
with my cane.

It WORKS, of course.

LATER, AFTER MUCH ANGST:

PETER
I can’t take it anymore. I want to be happy, just
for once.

He leaves his SPIDER-MAN COSTUME in a CONVENIENT ALLEY.

PETER
Mary Jane, I came to your play! Leave your
astronaut fiancé and shack up with me!

MARY JANE
Helloooo, I’m engaged.

PETER
Crap. I was sure this would work.

IN SOME APARTMENT:

ASTRONAUT
I am obviously an astronaut, because I lounge
around in NASA t-shirts.

MARY JANE
I’ve discovered that the only foolproof way of
finding Spider-Man’s secret identity is to kiss
people upside-down.
(she tests this theory)
You’re not him.

ASTRONAUT
So… you’re still marrying me, right?

ATAUNT MAY’S HOUSE:

AUNT MAY
I’m going to give you a heartwarming speech
about heroes, and by the way, I’ve always known
you were really Spider-Man.

AT PETER’S APARTMENT:

LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER
Unrequited love sucks. Want some cake?

On a BALCONY, during a THUNDERSTORM:

BERNARD
Your father never would have obsessed over
killing Spider-Man.

HARRY
Shows what you know. Get out before I stab
you with a letter-opener.

OCK
Fee, fie, foe, fum…

HARRY
Oh, it’s you. How are those multiple appendages
working out for you?

OCK
Give me the plutonium. I mean, the beryllium.
I mean, the tridium.

ARMS
Precioussss…

HARRY
Okay, okay, as long as you bring me Spider-Man.
Alive, but preferably unconscious and bound with
some kind of wire or something.

OCK
Deal.

THE NEXT DAY, in SOME KIND OF DINER:

MARY JANE
Do you love me?

PETER
No.

MARY JANE
Then kiss me.

AUDIENCE
That doesn’t make any sense.

PETER
…

CAR
(crushes deli counter)

OCK
Fee, fie, foe, fum…

MARY JANE
Ahh, I’m being used as a plot point!

PETER
Hey look, all my super powers came back!

ON A TRAIN:

OCK
This fight is growing tedious. I’ll just pull the
ol’ “speeding train” trick and escape back to my
riverfront laboratory.

PASSENGERS
Runaway train!

SPIDER-MAN
(tries everything)
The only solution is for me to spread my arms
in a classic Christ-like pose and use my webbing
to stop the train, even though I should be torn limb
from limb in the process. Meanwhile, everyone can
see my face.

PASSENGERS
Let’s remind everyone that New Yorkers, while
callous and often rude, always have a heart of gold,
especially when superheroes are involved.

UNCONSCIOUS SPIDER-MAN
I’ve always wanted to bodysurf.

OCK
Okay, I’m back.

PASSENGERS
You’ll have to get through all of us if you want to
hurt him.

ARMS
That can be arranged.

BACK ON BALCONY:

HARRY.
It’s about time. I kept your tridium in this safe, behind
the painting of a radioactive safe.

ARMS
Preciousss…

SPIDER-MAN
(groans)

HARRY
Now, which letter-opener should I use to kill Spider-
Man?

REALLY EXPENSIVE LETTER-OPENER
Pick me!

HARRY
(pulls off mask)
Holy crap! I’m overwhelmed with surprise! Never
in a million years would I have guessed that my
über-nerdy friend was actually the superhero that
killed my father!

PETER
Could you at least try to think about something
other than revenge?

BACK IN LAB:

MARY JANE
So you can let me go now, right?

OCK
I can’t let you go, because you’d call the cops. But
the cops can’t stop me anyway, because Spider-Man’s
dead.

MARY JANE
…So why can’t you let me go?

SPIDER-MAN
Insert cheesy variation of the standard “this party’s
over” line here.

ARTIFICIAL SUN
(expands and develops massive flares)

LOFT
(starts to collapse… again)

MARY JANE
Ahh, these ridiculously over-sized chains are dragging
me into the sun!

CARS IN NEW YORK
(get pulled across streets from electromagnetic forces)

CONVENIENT CRANES ON RIVER
(remain unaffected)

MARY JANE
Oh my God, Spider-Man is really Peter! …I knew all
along.

PETER
Doctor, you have to tell me how to stop the machine.

ARMS
Don’t listen to him, Preciousss… We’re your friends!
Look how cute we are, with our snake-like heads
and our hissing and whimpering!

OCK
No! I’m the human here!

ARMS
(whimper)
Okay, okay…

PETER
Doctor? The machine?

OCK
Yes, yes, of course. Umm… It can’t be stopped.

PETER
Oh.

OCK
Wait! You could throw it into the river!

PETER
I could?

OCK
(sigh)
Fine, I’ll do it.

He does, drowning in the process.

MARY JANE
So, yeah. I still love you.

PETER
Look, we’ve kind of been through this. Here
comes your fiancé.

MARY JANE
Crap.

Back in SPACIOUS, OPULENT SITTING ROOM:

HARRY
This really expensive letter opener is my only
source of comfort.

REALLY EXPENSIVE LETTER OPENER
Come on kid, stab a pillow or something.

DISEMBODIED VOICE
Harry…

HARRY
Dad?

HARRY’S DAD
Surprise! My psychosis wasn’t caused by that horrible
accident; it’s really genetic. Now… avenge me!

HARRY
No!
(throws letter opener)

MIRROR
(shatters)

HARRY
Hey, this secret room of surplus Green Goblin
equipment gives me an idea!

In a CHURCH:

MARY JANE
(sigh)
Yeah, I look great. This sucks.

MUSIC
(starts playing)

ASTRONAUT
Uh, where’s my wife?

PEOPLE IN PARK
Runaway bride!

MARY JANE
So, here I am, and I know there’s the constant
threat of me being kidnapped, tortured, and
eventually killed because of your enemies,
and I know that in the comics we don’t hook up
for another fifty issues or something like that,
but I don’t care.

PETER
All my inhibitions have been thrown to the wind!

SIREN
I always interrupt important moments like this.

MARY JANE
Have fun fighting crime. Don’t die or anything.
I’ll just wait here… in my wedding dress.

THE END